


The Twist

by neversaydie



Series: more than you bargained for [2]
Category: King Falls AM (Podcast)
Genre: Bisexual Character, F/M, Gender Identity, Identity Issues, Nonbinary Character, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 06:46:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14611947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neversaydie/pseuds/neversaydie
Summary: He stares at the pencil in his hand for a long time.Ben was too afraid to pick up the mascara, but the eyeliner found its way into his hand without him really thinking about it - as if he blinked and missed the moment his body took over from his rabbit-running brain for a change."Are you ready?" Emily sticks her head through the open bathroom door and smiles when she gets a look at him, hesitating in front of the sink with her makeup in hand. There's laughter in her voice. "Trying something new, Benny?"It's a joke. Of course it's a joke.[in which Ben thinks about some things, and wonders about where he fits.]





	The Twist

He stares at the pencil in his hand for a long time.

It's not stubby yet, but it's been well-sharpened. Emily doesn't really wear makeup, unless it's a special occasion, but she usually puts on a little eyeliner and mascara before she leaves the house in the morning. She complains about the mascara getting on the inside of her glasses, but she enjoys applying it when she has the time.

Ben was too afraid to pick up the mascara, but the eyeliner found its way into his hand without him really thinking about it - as if he blinked and missed the moment his body took over from his rabbit-running brain for a change.

"Are you ready?" Emily sticks her head through the open bathroom door and smiles when she gets a look at him, hesitating in front of the sink with her makeup in hand. There's laughter in her voice. "Trying something new, Benny?"

It's a joke. Of course it's a joke.

"N-No. No. I'm ready," he shoves the pencil back in her makeup bag and closes the medicine cabinet, trying to ignore the clench in his stomach at the dark stubble suddenly reflected back at him in the mirror. He needs to shave. "Let's go."  


 

He doesn't know when it started, exactly.

It's not even like it was a thing that _started_ , it's just always been there. Ever since he was little, Ben can't remember a time when he didn't feel… different. Never in a way he's been totally able to put his finger on, just a low-level sense of unease within his own skin.

When it was just him and Betty, things had been easy - she didn't mind if he played with dolls or used her clothes for dressing up games, would let him paint her clownishly with makeup and even gave him his own smear of lipstick when he decided it was his turn to be the princess. Their little world of just the two of them was a judgement free zone, and Ben remembers vividly how sad she was the first time he came home from elementary school crying and demanding a haircut because the other kids said his curls were 'girly'.

His mom had fully expected him to be gay - even sat him down in high school to make sure he knew she'd be okay with it - so being bi was never really the issue for him. He didn't talk about it, growing up - because King Falls is _King Falls_ , and aside from a short and very awkward dalliance with Pete Meyers in the tenth grade he's never dated a guy in his hometown (and even Pete wasn't 'dating' so much as 'making out one time and getting scared of each others' erections', so he doesn't really count it). So Ben's pretty sure his sexuality was never the thing keeping him awake at night, curling in on himself and wondering if he should be smaller.

He figured maybe it was because of his height, for a while, but after high school teasing faded from recent memory he found he actually liked being more on a level with the women in his life - just like he secretly kind of likes it when Troy or Sammy (both of them beanpoles, but Troy especially) jokingly use him as an arm rest. It's a joke, but it makes him feel less weird, somehow. Like he fits.

Being single was strangely easier, because he could ignore the weird feeling in his chest for a while. He had other things to worry about, living as an autonomous unit (as much as he's ever autonomous, he's self aware enough to know he clings to whoever is closest like they're a life raft at sea), and if he tried hard enough he could distract himself from that odd sense of being out of place.

He's happy with Emily, happier than he's ever been in his life, but being in a relationship brings pressures he hadn't thought about before he was in one. Suddenly he's supposed to be protector, gentleman, _boyfriend_ … and it brings him right back to when Mayor Grisham told him, at his zayde's funeral when he was fourteen, that he was the _man of the house_ now.

Ben… Ben is starting to figure out that he doesn't feel like the _man_ of any house, and it's utterly terrifying.

He finds the words by accident, long after he'd given up on trying to put a name to his inherent uneasiness and resigned himself to just burying it, being as happy as he should be with what he has. He's deep in a late-night Wikipedia black hole - fuelled by caffeine and maybe a couple of beers, since Emily's out of town for a conference and he sometimes gets a little lonely since Sammy got Jack back and has less time to hang out - doing his share of the research to help Ron set up next year's King Falls Pride event.

Half asleep and still a little wired, Ben makes a note and then absently clicks on the next pride flag… before slowly freezing up as he reads the description.

_Non-binary: gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine—identities which are outside the gender binary…_

For a long, empty moment, Ben can't hear anything but the pulse rushing through his ears.

That's a _thing_? People can _be_?

That _he_ could…

He hurriedly closes the tab and snaps his laptop shut, shoving it onto the coffee table like it's personally offended him. He… he needs to get some sleep. He needs to get some sleep and forget about this bullshit, because he's _happy_ and Emily is _happy_ and they're both  _happy_ and if he opens this can of worms then he could ruin it all. They've clawed their way out of the darkness together, he can't just spoil that because of a selfish impulse to…

To feel that terrifying _rightness_ settle over him again.

Fuck.

 

 

"Ben?" Emily sounds a little concerned now, waiting for her boyfriend where he's paused in front of the sink again, like catching sight of himself in the mirror threw him off guard. "Are you okay?"

He's been off, lately. Dark circles testify to the fact he's sleeping even worse than usual, and there's something closed off and careful about the way he holds himself which makes Emily worry he's hiding something. Ben isn't self conscious - not her Benny, who attempts to tap dance to make her laugh and is the first to suggest they put on Moulin Rouge when they both need a good cry - but lately everything about him has been oddly measured. Like his body isn't quite his own. It makes her scared for him in a way she never usually has to be.

"Em… I-I need to talk to you about something," it all blurts out at once, the kind of breathless rush Emily hasn't heard since Ben was the awkward dork failing to date her. He swallows hard and looks her in the eye - and if nothing else, Emily knows he won't lie to her. "Please... Please don't hate me."

"I couldn't hate you, I… Benny, what's wrong?" She crosses the threshold and perches on the edge of the tub, taking his hand when he sits down next to her. "You can tell me."

"I-I don't know, exactly," his voice is shaking and he's looking over at the medicine cabinet rather than at her, and Emily squeezes his fingers to let him know she's here. "It… It's more of a… I don't know how to…"

"Start at the beginning, okay?" She repeats the words he'd tell her over the phone after she was abducted, when she'd wake up from a nightmare and he'd always be right there to talk her back to earth. "I'm here. We'll figure it out."

And after a long moment of staring at the point of no return, Ben starts at the beginning.


End file.
